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Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.
Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn’t stopped wetting his pants.
Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a senator’s heart and showing it to him before he died.
Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.
Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.
Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.
Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.
Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.
The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.
Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.
Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.
The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.
Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.
In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth… unless Fred Thompson wants it.”
Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger’s cat is dead because he personally strangled it.
Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.
Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They’re still counting the dead.
The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson’s burning rage.
The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast. Why? He has to be digitally inserted into the scenes because anytime he’s near Hollywood liberals he kills them.
Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he’ll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.
Fred Thompson’s sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.
Fred Thompson supports the troops by beating liberals with a crowbar.
According to Sura 8 verse 65 of the Koran, Allah told the Prophet Muhammad, "O Prophet! Urge the believers to war; if there are twenty patient ones of you they shall overcome two hundred, and if there are a hundred of you they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve... but if you're up against Fred Thompson, you're totally screwed and I can't help you."
Fred Thompson's announcement on Thursday could affect oil prices since entire countries in the Middle East are expected to go into hiding.
Fred Thompson uses Mount Doom as a hot tub.
Fred Thompson knows the airspeed velocity of a unladen swallow (African and European). - One for the Monty Python fans out there.
You know all those great quotes attributed to anonymous? That was Fred Thompson.
Sharks must keep swimming to breathe and for any hope to escape Fred Thompson.
Quotes from Sun Tzu's Art of War:
"He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious."
"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."
"If you pick a battle with Fred Thompson, can I have your stereo?"
Fred Thompson's fine Italian shoes are made from real Italians.
Every time Fred Thompson's PC crashes, Bill Gates calls him and apologizes.
Harry Reid once got a black eye from a memory of Fred Thompson.
Harry Reid was once beaten up by Fred Thompson's shadow.
Fred Thompson promises that his foreign policy will be like a good action movie: Full of cool one-liners and explosions.
Newton's Three Laws of Physics:
1. Object's in motion tend to stay in motion.
2. For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
3. Don't mess with Fred Thompson.
Even annoying yip-yap dogs are reverently silent in the presence of Fred Thompson.
Kids, don't be scared of the monster in your closet; it's only trying to hide from Fred Thompson.
Objects in motion tend to stay in motion and objects at rest better get moving before Fred Thompson kicks their lazy ass.
Many say that Fred Thompson is just an urban legend made up to scare liberals, but Harry Reid claims to have seen him.
The most scientifically accepted unified field theory is Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson's casual southern drawl actually slows down time.
The Qur'an says that if you touch pork you will be unclean and if you touch Fred Thompson you'll be dead.
Scientists believe the reason for the sudden extinction of all the dinosaurs is either an asteroid or that they crossed Fred Thompson.
Since they know they can't outrun Fred Thompson, grizzly bears will often try and play dead.
The grass is always greener on Fred Thompson's lawn. Always.
Fred Thompson has enough strength to throw Rosie O'Donnell ten feet.
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