Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
Why did the child suffering from cancer draw rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they look like hares.....
THERE WERE 3 GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
BUT THE MOST COMPELLING EVIDENCE OF ALL- 3 PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border when they passed the dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch beside the road. A short distance further along the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi rebel. I aimed my rifle and shouted, “Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!”
He looked me right in the eye and screamed back, “George Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!”
“We were still standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and
he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the
page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in
which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her
face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and
proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig
is always squealing, how can I tell?"
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
Why Are Men Happier?
Wedding plans take care of themselves.Wedding dress-£5000. Kilt rental-£100.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood - all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes and one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier, and now you know why!
Q: What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies? A:"Hey! Watch this!"
Q: What do you call a bunch of Indians in a Red mini A: A Jaffa
Q: What do you call a bunch of Indians in a Swimming Pool A: Cocoa Pops
Q: What do you call a bunch of White people in a Swimming Pool A: Rice Bubbles
Q: What's the difference between two gay guys and a freezer? A: When you pull the meat out of the freezer, it dosent fart.
Q: What's big, long, and white? A: I still don't know yet.
Q: What's the difference between a white man and a snake? A: One is an evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.
Q: What does a white woman and a tampon have in common? A: They're both stuck up cunts.
Q: How many white girls does it take to screw in a light? A: None, white girls can't screw
Q: Why do so many white people get lost skiing? A: It's hard to find them in the snow.
Q: What do you call a white man with a sheep under each arm? A: A Pimp.
Q: What do you call a bunch of black people rolling down a hill? A: A mud slide.
Q: What does BFI stand for on a dumpster? A: Black Family Inside.
Q: How are apples and niggers alike? A: They both hang from trees.
Q: There is an apartment with three families in it. A black family lives at the top, a white family lives in the middle and a mexican family lives at the bottom. A tornado hit the apartment, which family survived? A: The white family, they were all at work.
Why so much hate? I love black people, especially the one hanging from my tree.
Q: What is the definition of black power? A: Four niggers pushing a stolen car up a hill.
Q: How do you stop a nigga from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a letter? A: You can send the letter back.
Q: Why don't black people celebrate Thanksgiving? A: KFC isn't open on the holidays.
Q: What did the nigger say when he slid down the zebra? A: Now you see me now you dont.
Q: How long does it take a black woman to take a dump? A: Nine months!
Q: Why is Stevie Wonder smiling all the time? A: Cause he doesnt know he's black.
Q: How do you get a black guy from hanging around in your front yard? A: Hang him in the backyard.
Q: Why do all niggers have nightmares? A: Cause we killed the last one who had a dream.
Q: What do you call a 3 foot gangsta? A:A YARDie.
Q: There are 2 lesbians and 2 gay guys racing to Alaska. Who wins? A: The lesbians because they get there lickity split, while the guys are still back home packin there shit.
Q: What's the difference between a deer in the road and a nigger in the road? A: The deer has skid marks in front of it.
Q: What can a pizza do that a nigger can't? A: Feed a fmily of 4.
Q: How do you get a nigger out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Q: What did the nigger see when he looked up in his family tree? A: All his motha fuckin family members hanging! Good!
Ok enough of the race jokes: Time for a pop at religion... How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb:::
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
How Beer Became The Root Cause of Our Political System…
Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some 5,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in winter and in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s & doing the sewing,fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘girleymen.’ Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Q: Whats brown and hides in the attic? The diorrea of Anne Frank.
The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant smugly replied... "Vietnam."
Ok had this scam mail through and it amused me as the links at the bottom all bang on about e-mail scams: (I love the poor grammer, lack of proper paragraphs and the like that make up such a classic scam, and yet people still fall for them)
Oh yeah nearly forgot he said in the mail that he wanted this to be confidential, thats cool so on the blog it go's.
FROM JOHN PATTNI
Dear Friend
Greetings to you,I wish to seek your assistance in a project I will
reveal to you shortly. My name is Mr. John Pattni, the younger brother to
Mr. KamleshPattni of Goldenberg International, Kenya. Republic of Kenya.
My brother, Mr.Kamlesh Pattni was a very close friend and confidant of former
President Daniel Arap Moi of the Republic of Kenya. I want to believe you
are very much aware of what is happening in my country presently. I mean
the change of the Government in my country, and I want you to know that the
main reason of contacting you is that former President Daniel Arap Moi
has secretly confided in my brother (Mr.Kamlesh Pattni) to take some funds
about Fifteen Million United States Dollars (US$15,000,000.00) abroad to
keep in a secret account, and the fund was deposited in the
custody of a private security trust firm in Europe. I am writing you in absolute
confidence primarily to seek your assistance to transfer this cash of Fifteen
Million Dollars($15,000.000.00) now in the custody of a private Security
trust firm in Europe, and the money is in trunk boxes deposited and declared
as family valuables by my brother. And as a matter of fact by brother,
Mr.Kamlesh
Pattni
made them to understand that the boxes belongs to his foreign partner and
not former President Daniel Arap Moi as they do not want anybody to know
about this funds, despite the fact that the money was taken away from Kenya
with the help President Daniel Arap Moi.My brother cannot travel out of Kenya
as the new Government is gunning for his head and others that did save in
the past Government so I have to be very careful with the way I go about
clearing these funds .So I decided to keep it safely as a secret and couldn't
tell anyone in my country forthe safety of my life and that of my
family.
Though we have neither seen nor met each other, I know we will be able to
establish all the trust that we need to ensure that the funds is safe with
you.
Thus, if you are willing to assist me to move this fund to your account and
your country for safe keeping, you can contact me through my email address
sending your full names and telephone and fax numbers to enable us discuss
the modalities and what your share (percentage) for assisting me will be.
I will highly appreciate it if my request is given utmost priority and
consideration.So
I humbly solicit your assistance in the followings
1. To assist me claim this boxes from the security trust firm as our
beneficiary
2. To transfer this money (USD$15M) in your name to your country
3. To make a good arrangement for joint-business investment on our
behalf in your country and you will be our Adviser/ Manager.
For your assistance, I have agreed that 20% of the total amount will be for
your effort and another 10 % to cover all the expenses that we might incur
during the business transaction, Last,I urge you to keep this transaction
strictly confidential as no one knows about these funds.
Please as you show your willingness, Forward to me your full name,
address and Tel/Fax numbers, to me via my private email address: (
johnpattin@netscape.net) This is for security reasons as I will only be
accessing my private email earnestly awaiting your response.
Best Regards,
John Pattni
NOTE: FOR MORE INFORMATIONSSEE BELOW
http://www.eastandard.net/archives/cl/hm_news/news.php?articleid=5090
http://www.royalafricansociety.org/what_we_do/articles/sundaytimes_08-06
http://www.dur.ac.uk/af-cab.soc/corruption.htm
http://www.kentimes.com/16dec04/nwsstory/opinion.html
http://www.kentimes.com/19oct04/nwsstory/news4.html
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