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MEMO: From the North Pole Management
To set an example we started by downsizing the word, "CHRISTMAS" from 9 letters to 4--"XMAS."
Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package and triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. (Tradition still counts for SOMETHING at the North Pole!) Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost- effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will be converted into soup. After all, everyone hates the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms to purchase or refurbish will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Ramahanakwanzmas!
thanks to http://rightwinghowler.blogspot.com/
** The coward Blair has been offering our money yet again to support bird catchers from Albania and French farmers who produce nothing of note and just wait for le euro cheque to arrive each month.
Get this for the arrogance of the EU: you would think that if they needed money that badly they would open up half the EU bodies to free market reforms and/or private companies, or just try to cut down on the massive waste/corruption that filters down through every level of the EU.
Mr Chirac suggested the EU states would reach a deal that would abolish the UK's annual rebate - currently worth 5.7bn euro (£3.8bn) - by 2013. French officials quoted by the Associated Press news agency said the rebate would be replaced by another payback system for the UK.
Gee thats nice of him, telling us what we can get back out of our money. Still aside from the posing and posturing of the makeup wearing PM Blair, we know he has already caved in and is getting ready to felate the French PM and will give the money away and get nothing back from the EU. So some 7 billion is offered now in the new deal and Blair offered 8bn euro in the first place. Then this sniveling grinning wimp of a PM Blair will claim that he has got a good deal from the EU and try to hide the fact he has surrendered yet again. Even if he says that he has kept the rebate, you can bet there is a back door deal to give it away after the next election so that he does not lose face. Naturally this will only be fully announced when the election is over and the parasite or (if they get rid of Blair) his one eye'd crony Brown is inside of No.10.
The Prime Minister increased by £1.5 billion his offer of surrendering £5.5 billion over seven years in return for a review of EU spending - including farm subsidies - in 2008.
Finally the auditors have failed to sign off the accounts for the EU for the 11th year in a row, due to piss poor accounting and corruption on the part of officials and cronic mis management of the taxpayers money. All over the EU the people are crying out for change, yet every politico that seems to set foot in the EU gets bribed and jumps on the huge feebie gravy grain that we all pay for.
The British rebate has saved Britain more than $50 billion since it was won from EU leaders by Margaret Thatcher in 1984. It was meant to recompense Britain, then one of Europe's poorest economies, for the fact that it loses out under the terms of the Common Agricultural Policy
** Finally on the sniveling coward Blair, he has also sold out to radical Islam and betrayed the memorys of those who died on 7/7 blair changes mind and sells out those who died in this country
LONDON -- The British government Thursday dropped a key part of the anti-terrorism legislation proposed after the deadly July 7 suicide bombings on London's transit system, abandoning its effort to let police shut down extremist mosques.
The plan, introduced a month after four suspected suicide bombers killed 52 bus and Underground passengers, had been criticized by police and religious organizations.
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Home Secretary Charles Clarke said in a written statement to the House of Commons that he was dropping the proposal "although we will keep the matter under review." ** Under review bollocks. This so called Home Sec, takes his orders from the coward Blair, I suppose deporting hate clerics is also under review as they have done bugger all on that either.
The Home Office spokesman said 66 people and organizations had responded to a consultation on the proposal, and most were opposed. ** And what about the fact that terrorists from Afganistan who trained in the Al-Quada camps are in those same places stirring up hate? Oh no its a case of lets not infringe the rights of the minority islamics and fuck the safety of the majority population.