Princess Diana Jokes - Now the public enquiry is over lets bring the jokes back...

After the recent report on Princess Dianas death that finally showed that all the conspiracys about her death were in fact just rubbish, oh and of course the usual media overload about a report stated what most people already knew anyway oh and that pissed away four million quid of taxpayers money just to show that well she (di)ed in an accident.

So figured that was as good a reason as any to repost a load of Princess Di jokes, was going to do this a few weeks ago but Christmas got in the way.

1. "Knock Knock"
   "Who's there?"
   "Diana, Princess of Wales."
   "Sorry, but I don't open the door for dead people."
   "Knock Knock"
   "Who's there?"
   "Mother Theresa."
   "I thought I said I don't answer the door for dead people."
   "Knock Knock."
   "Who's there?"
   "Elvis Presley."
   "Hey, let's hurry! Burger King closes in an half hour..."
2. What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common?
   Diana can't stop either.
3. What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?
   BMW doesn't get any royalties.
4. Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven....
   Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative preparations done for the occasion;
   Then D & D went on together;
   Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple;
   An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead.....
5. What's the difference between Princess Di and a blade of grass?
   About 6 feet.
6. By the way, how many paparazzi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   None. They're too busy taking pictures.
7. What does DODI stand for?
   Died on direct impact.
8. What is the new perfume named after Di?
   Impact
9. What's the difference between Diana an Casper the ghost?
   Casper can go through walls, Diana can't
10. Did you hear about Elton John's new album featuring 'Candle in the Wind?
    They decided not to call it 'Live in Paris'.
11. What's the similarities between a broken arm and Princess Di?
    You need to get a doctor in to remove the plaster of paris.
12. One of the paparazzi managed to get a last quote from Di after the accident but is unable to release it publicly because of the ban...
    All he could say was that she really needed to get something off her chest.
13. Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast.
    She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.
14. What's the difference between 39pence and Princess Di?
    Its easier to scrape together 39pence.
15. Would Diana have been buried if she had been married to Dodi?
    No, she would then have been mummy-Fied.
16. Why is Di like a mobile phone?
    They both die in tunnels!!
17. St. Peter says to Diana, "Other than that, how was Paris?"
18. What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common?
    They both made quite an impact over in Europe.
19. Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see so many Princess Diana jokes?
    Makes ya want to go get drunk and drive into a post, doesn't it.
20. What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes and a puppy?
    The puppy eventually stops whining.
21. What's the difference between Princess Di and Henri Paul?
    One had Royal Crowns the other had Crown Royals.
22. Did you hear that Diana had Blue eyes?
    Yep, one blew out the left window and the other out the right window.
23. What did Di and Mother Theresa have in common?
    They were both chaste/chased.
24. What does DODI stand for?
    Died Of Driver Intoxication.
25. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and Princess Di?
    The Bears don't die until after they come out of the tunnel!
26. Was Princess Diana crazy that night?
    No, but she was nearly in Seine.
27. What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?
    They both came from France in a wooden box.
28. Elton John is now writing his next song about himself...
    It's called "Like a Gerbil in the Wind."
29. Why didn't the capsized Haitian boat that drowned 300 people make big news for more than a day?
    It was discovered that none of them on board was a princess.
30. What are the paparazzi charged with at the scene of the crime?
    Ma'am slaughter.
31. Princess Diana was once a kindergarten teacher?
    Now she's history.
32. If you throw Kitty Kelley's new book about Princess Diana out of a car window, does it become Kitty litter?
33. Princess Diana was found to be the favorite royal in a recent pole.
34. Its a good thing Gianni Versace died first...
    The news of Dianna's death would have killed him.
35. Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.
    It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
36. Why did the Princess cross the road?
    Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.
37. What's on the "B" side of Candle in the Wind?
    Crash, Bang, Wallop what a picture!
38. Did you know that Princess Diana had AIDS?
    Automobile Impacted Diana Spencer
    Another Idiot Driver Smashed
39. If Teddy Kennedy was driving, they would have taken the bridge.
40. With Mother Teresa also dying it's...
    Catholics one, Protestants one.
41. They found a new job for Harald Junke.
    As a Driver at the Paris Rytz
42. Bad news for Princess Diana's Bulemia...
    She's losing weight again!
43. Bill Gates was disappointed to hear how Diana died...
    Her Crashes affect more people than his.
44. What does Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?
    Both had to die to get away from Queen.
45. When is a princess not a princess?
    When she turns into a pole.
46. What's Diana's newest title?
    The Lady in Red.
47. What was Princess Diana's last dessert dish?
    A turnover.
48. What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
    A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
49. Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods?
    Their drivers suck.
50. What was the last thing Dodi said to Di?
    "You look smashing!"
51. What did the mortuary assistant say as he unzipped the body bag?
    "Zippady Dodi, zippady Di!"
52. What's the difference between George Best and the driver of the car?
    George Best can still take corners when he's mad.
53. I guess it was true, princess Di did have her Eye on that arabic guy.
54. What were Diana's last words to the paparazzi?
    No photos. I'm a bloody mess.
55. What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles?
    One has a Mrs Mangle, the other has a Mangled Mrs.
56. What does Princess Diana's bumper sticker say?
    My other car's a decoy.
57. The paparazzi asked Prince Charles if he has had sex since divorcing Diana.
    He replied, "infrequently." The paparazzi responded by saying, "Is that one word or two?"
58. Who attended the recent Diana gowns auction at Christies?
    Michael Jackson. He asked "how much for her bones."
59. Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus?
    Your computer speeds up, your driver runs into a post processor, and your hard drive crashes.
60. What kind of battery did the Mercedes have?
    A DI HARD.
61. What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
    Princess Diana never became a queen of England.
62. If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found on the dashboard?
63. Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.
64. Bearing in mind the driver was pissed out of his head, Diana's family should forget trying to sue the paparazzi... they haven't got a leg to stand on.
65. Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey...
    The silly girl asked for extra paparazzi.
66. What sound did the ambulance make?
    .....Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi....
67. What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
    Leeches fall off after you die.
68. How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's grave?
    By placing Land mines around it.
69. Why did Dianna and Charles get divorced?
    They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.
70. What was the first question the paramedics had when they reached the crash site?
    Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
71. In light of the recent death, OJ is now saying the paparazzi did it.
72. What was Princess Diana wearing the night of the crash?
    Crushed velvet.
73. What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?
    Taxi.
74. What's the title of the new Princess Diana movie they are making?
    One Wedding and a Funeral.
75. Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris.
76. Diana's name has been changed to:
    The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.
77. Where did Diana go for her holidays?
    All over Paris.
78. What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking?
    She hit the roof.
79. What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?
    They both make Royal Jelly.
80. How do you spoil Princess Diana?
    Leave her out in the sun.
81. Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?
    Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome.
82. Now there is a new pizza place, the "Paparazzi Pizza" delivery.
    You don't have to give them your address, they'll find you no matter where you are.
83. Elton John is writing a tribute for Mother Teresa.
    He's calling it "Sandals in the Bin".
84. What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?
    The East Germans survived the wall.
85. What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?
    I brake for Paparazzi.
86. What does Dodi and Dodo have in common?
    They are both extinct.
87. What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?
    The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
88. Dodi said Di and she did.
89. What would Di be doing if she were alive today?
    Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
90. Why did Elton John take his boyfriend to the funeral?
    So at least one old queen would be seen to cry in public.
91. If you go out on the grog, then get in a car with a Wog and a Frog and drive like a hog, you'll be as dead as a dog.
92. Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di....
    Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!
    Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard
93. What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?
    Their last greatest hit was the WALL.
94. What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz?
    "Do you want to sleep here or crash in the car?"
95. What does Diana and George Burns have in common?
    They both died when they hit 100.
96. What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind?
    The dashboard.
97. How did Di and Charles disagree about Modern Architecture?
    Di was wrapt about pre-stressed cement.
98. What's worse than getting red wine off carpet?
    Getting Di off the uphostery.
99. What do Di and Darren Millane have in common?
    They both didn't make it home from the tunnel.
100. What was Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi?
     "Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess. You photographers drive me up the wall."
101. Why was Princess Diana so thin?
     Crash diet.
102. Princess Di really lived up to her name.
103. What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant?
     They both bought it in the backseat of a car.
104. Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana?
     No, the French underground did it.
105. What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?
     One's composing, the other is decomposing.
106. What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident?
     Well, that's the way the Mercedes BENZ.
107. What did Princess Diana die of?
     Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
108. What was the last thing that Diana kissed?
     The radiator.
109. What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her?
     She wanted something more concrete in her life.
110. What vegetable is most like Princess Diana?
     French squash.
111. Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?
     "Another Brit in the Wall"
112. When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.
113. Where were Dodi and Di heading the night of the accident?
     To paint the town red.
114. Di and Dodi Top 10 Records:
     Leader of the Pack
     Won't someone buy me a Mercedes-Benz?
     Die Like an Egyptian
     Dead Man's Curve
     Last Time in Paris
     How Much is that Dodi in the Window
115. Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?
     Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
116. Why did the tunnel in Paris get so red?
     Because they got Di all over it.
117. What does Princess Di turn into at midnight?
     The wall.
118. How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
     They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
119. What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink?
     4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 6 chasers.
120. What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
     He's got a better driver.
121. There's a new organization out there to fight drunk driving....
     M.A.D.D. Monarchs Against Drunk Drivers.
122. What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porsche?
     Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porsche!
123. Dodi said to his driver when in England...
     Do you want to come to Paris with me and "Di"?
124. What does a mercedes and a squid have in common?
     Nothing - you have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out.
125. What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?
     Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast?
126. What's the difference between Princess Di and the Notre Dame Football Team?
     Notre Dame made it out of the tunnel.
127. Why is Nancy Reagan miffed at Princess Diana?
     Because Diana gets to wear the next Versace collection before she does.
128. Diana's last words: "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall!!!'"
129. Did you hear that Di is going to get married again?
     They say its a match made in heaven.
130. Why did Dodi invest in construction?
     He wanted to make a big impact on the concrete industry.
131. Why did Henry Paul swerve into the pillar?
     He wanted to see if a Mercedes Bends....
132. Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother Theresa?
     Mother T. deserved a Royal Reception.
133. Did you see the wall Di drove into?
     Neither did she.
134. Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
     It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di"
135. How does one make mincemeat? Use a mincer...
     How does the Government make mincemeat? They build tunnels.
136. Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd.
     You say someone's life came to an end.
137. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
     The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!
138. What does DIANA stand for?
     Died in a nasty accident.
139. What does DODI stand for?
     Died opposite Di.
140. What did Mother Theresa ask Diana the last time they met?
     "Can you give me a crash course in media recognition?"
141. What did the Pope say when asked, "Why was Diana more popular than Mother Theresa?"
     "Well, Di did have a more smashing personality."
142. (Three late additions from an anonymous poster - you could have had fame- of sorts-but were just to gay and shy to own up to these jokes:)Q: What does Prince Phillip's bumper sticker say?
     A: I brake for poparazzi!
     
     Q: Why was Elton John invited to Diana's funeral?
     A: So at least one old queen would be seen weeping in public.
     
     Q: What was Diana's favorite wine?
     A> "I'm a victim and you're to blame." (whine).
143. The mortuary attendant was zipping UP the body bags when he sang 'Zipup de Dodi, zipup de Di'.
     
     When the Queen Mother died and went to heaven she asked St Peter how it was that after all her dedicated years of service to her country, she still had a much smaller halo to wear than Diana.
     
     "That's not a halo, ma'am, it's a steering wheel" - Oh and on and on they go, endless sick jokes going on for ever and a day. Still must remember a mr a.fyed@harods.com...
     

Tags: Princess Diana, Sick Jokes

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