What have the British ever done for us.

Now a lot has been said in the last few years about what we "owe" the rest of the world. If you believe even one half of the people in the media, or dubious politicos from banana republics we are responsible for all their problems past and present.

Yep we have had the blame because they were once enslaved, the rains failed(our not giving them enough money), they got flooded(again our fault) and so I came up with the following - thanks to Monty Python for the idea.

The setting could be any meeting of pan African nations, the UN, hell even the Guardian offices or maybe the BBC.

ABDUL:

They've bled us white, the imperialistic bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

AHMED

Indeed death to the infidel!

ABDUL
Indeed and what have the colonials ever given us in return?!

BRIT:

The roads for a start?

ABDUL:

What?

BRIT:

The roads you ignorant savage, we had to run an empire. Oh and by the way ever since we left your once fine nation not a pot hole has been filled. Infact tarmac seems to be a word lacking in your fine language, along with soap.

ABDUL:

Oh. yeah, thats true. You did build the roads.

AHMED:

And the sanitation.

GUPTA:

Oh, yeah, the sanitation. Remember what the nation used to be like Abdul? People dying like flies from everything from TB through to rabies. The Brits did a fine job on putting in sewers and clean running water, oh an giving jabs to the children against various bugs.

ABDUL:

Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the roads and the sanitation are two things that the British, a thousand curses be upon them have done.

BRIT:

Oh and talking of sanitation, you sure have let the sanitation slide since we buggered off. Were it not for UN and UK handouts helping you out, your people would be all dead.

GUPTA:

And the railways:

ABDUL:

Well, yeah. Obviously the railways. I mean the railways go without saying, don't they? But apart from the roads, railways and sanitation-

AHMED:

Modern farming.

GUPTA:

Law and order.

OMAR:

The vote for all, not just one certain clan running things....

GUPTA:

Higher courts of appeal rather than just a witch doctor deciding on guilt or not.

OMAR:

Radio and the telegraph.

GUPTA:

Free trade.

AHMED:

Tourism, all those evil infidels a thousand curses be upon them spend lots of money in my shop.

OMAR:

And he let many of us travel to the UK. My brother now runs a taxi in Warrington...

BRIT:

Indeed without our tourists and money sent home by relations, what passes for an economy here would be royally screwed.

OMAR:

Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, if the British evil bringers that they are went elsewhere for their holidays. Or worse threw out my brother.

BRIT:

Decent hotels, in fact all of the decent building date from the colonial period of this nations history. Oh and don't worry about your brother ever getting sent home, as we now have the Human Rights Act and our Home Office is a shambles to be fair.

ABDUL:

Well we many fine buildings, such as....er. Ah ha! We have built a fifty foot high statue of our glorious leader, er...

GUPTA:

And they set up our army and police force.

OMAR:

Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.

ABDUL:

El Presidenta keeps order. Those he loves get rich and those he hates vanish.

BRIT:

Ok, give you that one. Blair has the same idea in the UK, people he love get rich, so its not all progress on our part these days.

AHMED:

All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, public order, modern farming and the rest of it. What have the British infidels that they are, ever done for us?

GUPTA:

Ended slavery.

ALL EXCEPT BRIT:

QUIET, WE NEED THE WHITE MANS GUILT OVER THAT. DEATH TO THE INFIDEL. DEATH TO THE WHITE MAN.

ABDUL:

Not so loud, we need some development aid from that nice Mr Brown. Seems our glorious leader is in need of a bigger private jet, so lay off the chanting in front of them.

BRIT:

It's all right, you carry on. Plenty of Guardian readers out there happy to agree with you. Oh if you ever do realise all we did for you, you could always give thanks on Empire Day. Thats the 24th of May by the way.

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