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The budget as announced by sockpuppet Alistair Darling.

I will recap the budget here to save time.
A prudent budget(cue laughter from house)....blah blah…. uniquely placed… blah blah …started in America …. blah blah …. credit crunch ... blah blah …. fags up save the nations health ... blah blah …. booze up save the nations health ... blah blah …. 
more bribes for feral baby making chavscum ... blah blah …. early election bribe for the feckless and the lazy baby makers ... blah blah …. money for CCTV cameras on every street corner watching you from dawn to dusk ... blah blah …. spot fines ... blah blah ... nice little earner ... blah blah ...
 slip in a stealth tax ... blah blah …. lie arse off over UK debt levels ... doing the right thing … blah blah …..raise some taxes by tinkering with tax thresholds ... blah blah ... petrol up ... blah blah ... car taxes up ... blah blah ... hardworking families… blah blah ... encourage savers to hock themselves into slavery with debts .... blah blah .... pass the buck onto councils for tax rises next year ... blah blah ... 
tractor stats … blah blah ... produce huge numbers out of thin air ... blah blah ... plan long term investment in magic beans ... blah blah ... kill giant and steal his gold ... blah blah ... dig up dead granny and pull out gold teeth ... blah blah …. blame Tories ... blah blah ... 
half a bob for old folk ... blah blah ... vote Labour ... work in another way to rob pensions ... blah blah ... bollocks to them they will have absolutely nothing to show for all their hard years work when they retire ... blah blah ... eco taxes ... blah blah …. piss money away on grandiose schemes ... blah blah …. money for quangos .... blah blah ….  money for shiftless darkies in Africa ... blah blah …. 
global warming ... blah blah …. War on Terror ... blah blah …. money for moslems ... blah blah ... armed forces ... blah blah ... supply them cut price shit equipment passed off as investment ... blah blah ...  working with Obama ... blah blah …. 
schools ... blah blah …. tinker ... blah blah …. piss about ... blah blah …. who cares if it all go's tits up we can either blame the Tories or Ed Balls ... blah blah …. quantitative easing a nice phrase that means printing money ... blah blah …. find another way to rob savers ... blah blah …. 
tinker with housing markets and announce investment program that will do absolutely fuck all ... blah blah …. create jobs... blah blah …. NHS tinkering that is in fact old money previously announced and dressed up as something new ... blah blah …. not my fault ... blah blah ... blame previous Chancellor ... blah blah ... oh bollocks thats my boss Gordon ... blah blah ... 
IMF is wrong in saying we are screwed ... blah blah ...more non jobs created whilst pretending to cut non jobs in public sector ... blah blah ... more money for MP(met with cheers) ... blah blah ... deflation ... blah blah ... inflation ... blah blah ... shake it all about ... blah blah ... 
euro directive ... blah blah ... can't cut taxes in many areas as tied to the fucking balls by European bills we signed years ago ... blah blah ... out of our hands ... blah blah ... working with partners ... blah blah ... hope they don't notice ... blah blah ... whitter on about EU ... blah blah ...
this is going to hurt ... blah blah ... bend over taxpayers ... blah blah ... unemployment going up ... blah blah ... fuck them I am all right ... blah blah ... 1p extra on unemployment benefits ... blah blah ... stealth tax to hit the poor for 6p ... blah blah ... tax credits ... blah blah ... serioiusly fuck the poor ... blah blah ... make them jump through hoops to get their money back through tax credits
save the banks ... blah blah ... look after fat cats ... blah blah ... working with the EU to track down folk who try to avoid my taxes ... blah blah ... commend this pile of cockwhaffle to the hoons in the house.
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9 people have spoken:

Advanced Media Watch said...

So how much is a can of Irnbru going to be after today lol

Dungeekin said...

Scarily accurate.

The scruffy highwaymen are going to rob the taxpayer yet again.

D

Oldrightie said...

You were on Burnham's bloody train!

subrosa said...

Fido I'm surprised at you. You've missed out a few erms... Darling's good at the erms...




WV: sumneed (and some don't)

Fidothedog said...

subrosa if I put those in I would be there all day.

Hell the only part that I want to know is how much is his one eyed boss cyclops going to claw off me.

Plus how much on fags and beer?

Old Bag said...

bang on, fido!if were gonna be fucked up the ass for another year, at least tell us how much we are gonna be paying for fags and booze, the cunts.

Cato said...

Dunno about the 'erms' but there were certainly a few 'blahs' missing there.

Anonymous said...

Since when did fags and booze go up by a percentage? Don't they usually say blah blah 2p on a pack of fags and blah blah 10p on a pint of beer?

Dazed and Confused said...

Who the fuck leaked you the Budget early?