in today's Mirror she puts forward her "very own 10-point manifesto for a Better Britain, oh this will be good a woman who reads from an autocue out to solve the nations problems, and which she wants "to share exclusively with you" as the autocue reader puts it.
So lets see what the air-head auto cue reader has in store for us....
My Dear readers, as you may know I am in high demand in high places. - Sadly not from a lamp post after being strung up for lowering tv standards...
Having already been offered a health minister's job by our Prime Minister which, because I have two very young children, I felt I could not accept, another offer has come in. - And you were elected by who exactly? Quite what qualifies an auto cue reader to help decide government policy? Still thank god for small mercies that declined cyclops job offer.
On Wednesday, while having his make-up done at GMTV, the Shadow Chancellor George Osborne chuckled: "So if we pay you more will you come and work for us?"
"Er no, I replied, it's not about money."
"Ok, we'll make you a Duchess instead of a Baroness then."
No dice George. He clearly has no regard whatsoever for my very own 10-point manifesto for a Better Britain, which, readers, I want to share exclusively with you...
"My 10-point manifesto to make us great" - Oh I can hardly wait....1 EXTRADITE Jose Mourinho from Portugal and force him to manage the England team, while boarding at my house (rent free). - Er right, maybe changing some of the players in the England squad might be a better option, although quite how winning some more silverware for the nations squad is going to improve the nation I do not know? Its hardly improving the NHS or getting immigration or crime under control
2 BAN all titles, including Baroness and Duchess, and scrap the Honours system. - That would be the honours system that New Labour has been hawking to all & sundry. The same "unelected" house that is doing more to protect our civil rights that the so called government by throwing out poorly drafted laws. Still thinking or rather not thinking that way I can understand why cyclops offered you a job. Also ask yourself why Pasha Blair turned down a chance of a peerage, in that he would have to declare his income & he also make lots more speaking at meetings....
3 SHUT all private schools. What's good enough for the rest of us is good enough for those who think they're better than us. It'll improve education for all. -And quite where do the private kids go? Back into the state run schools at extra cost to all of us. Good thinking on that one, oh maybe you were not thinking again. Oh and where do the the teachers from closed private schools go? What a dull bint she is...
4 BRING back lost childhood by raising school entry to age seven. Yes I know this'll cause havoc for working mums and dads but, er... let me come back to you on that one. -Fine as the state system is frankly so shit most kids left in the hands of the state- unless educated by parents or privately educated - have problems with reading by the time they get out of primary school.
5 BAN selection in schools - no creaming off the brightest pupils. Local schools for local people. -Oh dear, you just have not thought that through, rich people will move to areas with better schools or go private. One has to ask if your little darlings go to the local state school or have you done a Diane Abbott(Lab.) and shoved yours into the hated private sector?
6 BRING back the right to be a mother by upgrading the status of stay-at-home mums. The majority of mums want to care for their pre-school children but can't afford not to work. Maybe instead of tax allowances for childcare, cash incentives for staying at home? Er... I'll come back to you on that one, too. - Oh dear, just one answer for that and that is fuck off. Simply why should we as taxpayers fund your lifestyle choice to sit around the house watching daytime chavette tv with the little ones? Children are a choice, one that should be paid for in the main by the parents.
7 BAN all private medical work in NHS hospitals. - Thus forcing more people to use the over stretched NHS, increasing waiting lists and causing no end of problems. Has she really thought this through?
8 GET rid of contract cleaners and make Matron and nurses responsible for hospital hygiene. - So is she saying that nurses/matrons should clean themselves thus stopping them doing their proper job - IE nursing - with all the problems that would bring. Or is she suggesting the cleaners should be in house, employed directly by the NHS. Also what happens to the good contract cleaners? We only ever get to read the horror stories in the tabloids.
9 RENATIONALISE Britain's rail network. It's never been the same since John Major privatised British Rail, splitting it into over 100 separate companies which resulted in profits over safety and efficiency. - Ah, yes nationalisation I am sure that will work. Cue the strikes from workers over pay within five minutes of them becoming a state body.
10 PROPER local authority care in the home for the elderly. Reinstate full home-help and meals-on-wheels services. - And this will be paid for how? More tax rises?
P.S. And, I know it's supposed to be a 10-point plan, but none of us can rest safely in our beds until we...Take George Bush to Iraq and shoot him. - So she suggests murder as part of her policy, no wonder New Labours one eyed leader wanted to offer you a job. What with all the wars that they have started. Maybe someone could point out to her that sure it was George who went into Iraq, but Tony was the one who sent out boys out there as well as sexing up certain dossiers on WMD... Had she suggested capping Pasha Blair then that might have been a valid point, sadly I just smell good old fashioned anti-US bias from her.
Readers, I commend this to your house. Now I need to go away and prepare for office." - Well if she wants to get an office then stand in an election. Or better still she should go back to reading an autocue... Then again maybe the Stalinist leader cyclops should stand in election as well as offering us a vote on Europe...
As ever, Devils Kitchen has a most readable take on this story.
Tags:Gordon Brown
fiona autocue phillips
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Cool Britannia
Some other links naught pics and fawning over cyclops
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