James Gordon "Cyclops" Brown - Dictates a New Years message to the plebs.

The Prime Minister’s New Year message for 2009: The bastard is one for using twenty words when one will do so I will cut through the bull and put in what he really means.

As we look forward to this New Year, we face a challenge. A challenge of how we build a better tomorrow, today.

You will do as we dictate.

It will be my unwavering focus to make the right decisions to build in a world of danger and uncertainty a Britain of opportunity and hope.

I've fucked it up already.

This coming year won’t be easy, but I am determined that this government will be the rock of stability and fairness on which the British people can depend.

Were in the shit.

The scale of the challenges we face is matched by the strength of my optimism that the British people can and will rise to meet them.  Because we’re not a do nothing people and we’ve always risen to every challenge.

I have not got a clue.

We can meet the security challenge, the environmental challenge and the enormous economic challenge.

The British genius has always been to embrace the world in which we live, not the world we want to live in.

Its not my fault, some big boys made all go wrong and they ran away.

At all times, but perhaps especially at this time of year, we must acknowledge the debt we owe to our servicemen and women who meet our security challenge. Their bravery is unsurpassed and their sacrifice knows no bounds. 

Whilst at the same time I will do nothing about slum housing, piss poor equipment and have not yet met a single dead body back from one of the New Labour wars. 

And as we meet the security challenge, so we must also meet the challenge of climate change.

The pace of climate change is such that it not only threatens future generations, but imperils our generation today.

We have no energy policy.

Again, in an ever more interdependent world this will require us to build alliances and win arguments for change that is real, fair and sustainable.

I am off to Saudi again with the begging bowl out.

I believe we can do it - and because we can, we must. The stakes are too great with our planet in peril for us to do anything less.

Lets just hope the Russians don't pull the plug on the gas!

I look forward to working with President Elect Obama in creating a transatlantic, and then a global coalition for change.

We can demonstrate this in 2009 in how we tackle climate change at the Copenhagen Summit.

We will do what ever the yanks tell us, so business as usual.

And we can demonstrate this in 2009 by making sure that now, more than ever, we keep our promises to the world’s poorest.

Money for terrorists, drug dealers and despots in Africa with necklaces of human skulls. 

As we look ahead into 2009, the most immediate and pressing challenge of all for every continent is the economic challenge.

The banks are fucked. I ignored record debt lending, trading in debt and closed my eyes for years.

When the history books come to be written - 2008 will largely be remembered for the scale of the great economic and financial crisis. A year in which an old era of unbridled free market dogma was finally ushered out.

Bollocks I am going to get the blame, despite blaming everyone else.

And I want 2009 to be the year when the dawn of a new progressive era breaks across the world: purposeful and energetic governments giving real help to families and businesses when they need it the most; and through expanding through the downturn vital investments in our future - real hope for that future too.

More of the same failed policies.

Real help now. Real hope for the future.  Both are essential.  Alone one will not be enough.  Failure to do either, as some propose, would mean both a longer, deeper downturn, and a weaker economy in the future.

Bailouts for banks and not a penny for anyone else.

The scale and speed of the global financial crisis was at times, almost overwhelming. I know that people felt bewildered, confused and sometimes frightened.

Its not my fault.

That is why the response had to be swift and decisive.

I will be dithering, biting nails and clunking.

That is why we acted so quickly to get money into the banks.  Not for any desire to finance bankers, but because if we didn’t it would have put at risk that which is most important to you and me - your jobs, your homes, your savings, your standard of living.

Your screwed in 2009.

What keeps me up at night, and gets me up in the morning are the hopes and aspirations of the British people. My guiding principle, at all times, is the welfare and well being of British families and British businesses.

Will the plebs believe that I just fed them a steaming dollop of shit? Yep they are taking a nice big bite.

All of this would have been put at risk if we had not intervened and simply done nothing, as some would have had us do.

We made a mistake and its to late to get the money back so tough.

This will be a challenging year for the economy but I believe, with the right policies, we can build a better tomorrow, while dealing with the challenges of today.

We will dream up more taxes and waste it all on quangos.

The failure of British governments in previous global downturns was to succumb to political expediency and to cut back investment across the board, thereby stunting our ability to grow and strangling hope during the upturn.

This will not happen on my watch.

I shall tax you to penury.

The lesson of this crisis is that we do not let recession take its course, yield to defeatism, or simply muddle through and just hope for things to get better.

We caused it and shall pass the buck.

The message is - we take action: we are providing an extra £60 to pensioners immediately, on top of the winter allowance; increasing child benefit from January 1st to £20 per week; and helping 22 million basic rate taxpayers with a £145 tax cut. Added to that, the cut in VAT this year will knock around £275 off the average family household bill. Not to do this would be imprudent.

Just dont add up all the stealth taxes which will show you as much poorer in real terms.

Today the risk of attempting too little is a greater threat than the risk of attempting too much.

And in this period of difficulty and downturn, it is also important that we understand that amid the threats and the global risks there are great opportunities for Britain.  We must prepare ourselves for these massive opportunities as the world economy doubles in size over the next two decades. 

Ummmmmmmmm. 

We must not just plan for tomorrow. Our task over the next twelve months is to build tomorrow today.

More quangos in the offing....

So that Britain creates the thousands of new tech jobs for the digital age now ahead of us, we must build the digital tomorrow, today

More state nannery.

So that Britain creates the thousands of green jobs vital for the environment and our economy, we must build that green future of tomorrow, today.

Guardian non jobs for treehuggers.

So that we have the best railways, roads and communications for the future, we must build the infrastructure of tomorrow, today.

Train fares just went up today by the way...

So we have the right skills for the future we must not let people’s lives waste away in unemployment without trying to help. So that they have the skills our country needs we must build that tomorrow, today.

I have a dream, no hang on someone did that before...Oh and most of the skilled people have buggered off abroad.

If we coordinate our expansion with other countries then the effect of one country’s action can be magnified, almost twice over.

They will save whilst we waste and we will go cap in hand to them when they recover.

So I want to set out an agenda for the G20 meeting of all the major economies in London in April that will help renew our global institutions for the intense levels of international cooperation we now need to solve our problems. 

They will be laughing at my economic fuckwittery.

So to those worried about jobs, we will take every action we can.

You will be getting a P45 soon.

For those worried about their homes, let me tell you that ordinary homeowners should not be the first to pay the price of financial failures.  We will help people trying their best to pay their mortgages to stay in their own homes.

Your screwed. Especially if your mortgage is with Northern Rock.

To those who know that the only solution for our economy and environment is a global solution - expanding growth and tackling climate change together - let us say that we will work with Europe, America and others to meet the international challenges of this century - a World Bank for environment and development.  And an International Monetary Fund that is an early warning system for crisis prevention.

All of these actions will play a role in delivering real help now and real hope for the future.  And they will ensure that when we come out of this downturn we hit the ground running.

Much like the few survivors of the LZ 129 Hindenburg who had to leap from the flames.

I am confident that we can steer Britain safely into the future.

In the same way the Titanic was steered into the iceberg. 

First, because I am confident in the innate strength and decency of the British people.

Hopefully the thick ones will believe me.

Second, because Britain as a country has faced down many even greater challenges than those before us today.

Despite my best efforts to fuck it up.

And third, because this government has set short term, medium term and long term challenges before, and, more crucially, have met them.

Having massaged the figures, lied, spun and forced Dr David Kelly to his death.

Today the issues may be different, more complex, more global. And yet the qualities that are needed to meet them have been demonstrated in abundance by the British people before.

Play the wartime spirit, good idea as they will all have ration cards and ID cards if I have my way....

I believe that we will eventually look back on the winter of 2008 and 2009 as another great global challenge that was thrown Britain’s way, and that Britain met. Because we had the right values, the right policies, the right character to meet them.

Repeat message: its not my fault, blame one, blame all but not Gordon. Never blame Gordon.

That’s why I believe Britain is the best country in the world. And the British people will, in 2009, show the world the qualities we are made of - as we build tomorrow, today.

So I have opened the door to one and all from Europe, illegals, migrants, terrorists and all the worlds trash. Giros for one and all, just vote Labour.

New Labour a huge "gold standard cock-up", amoral, corrupt and evil to the core.

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