MP expenses out today, get diggin folks.

The Grauniad has already started and you can see what your elected self serving, fiddling scumbag has claimed here:

• Gordon "Mcsnotty" Brown made three mysterious lengthy phone calls from his Scottish constituency home to Canterbury, including one lasting one hour 44 minutes on 27 March 2008. He made two other phone calls to Canterbury at the end of October 2008 lasting 56 minutes and 59 minutes. He also appears to have claimed to have Sky TV extended to his bedroom(and so wanks himself into a frenzy like a chimp on crack to gay porn each night.) regularly paid as much as £700 every three months for cleaning. In total in 2008-09 he was claiming around £10,000 to cover his utilities, council tax and service charges. He also claimed for grass cutting and service washes.

• Sinn Féin's Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness both claimed £21,600 each – £1,800 a month – in mortgage interest payments on a two-bedroom London flat in 2008-09. All Sinn Féin MPs refuse to take their seats at Westminster because they would be required to swear an oath of allegiance to the Queen. The three other Sinn Féin MPs – Pat Doherty, Michelle Gildernew and Conor Murphy – also claimed £1,800 per month each for a townhouse they share. (Best not mention this if one wants their kneecaps left intact...)

• Douglas Alexander, the international development secretary, claimed for a chimney sweep at a cost of £105.

• Ed "so what" Balls and Yvette Cooper, the married couple in the cabinet, jointly claimed in the 2008-09 financial year £1,889 for council tax, £900 for electricity, £299 for an alarm system and £364 for water. They divided the cost between them. Due to the fall in interest rates through the year they were initially paid more than they were entitled for their mortgage, but in May 2009 they each repaid the small surplus of £1,350.

• Nick Brown, the Labour chief whip, had an claim for a £400 food allowance rejected in May 2009 since the rules had changed.

• Andy "no waiting lists in the NHS" Burnham, the health secretary, claimed £479 for a leak in his bathroom in London in April this year and also had a claim for £11.95 for a TV licence rejected on the basis that he had no valid receipt.

• Liam Byrne, the chief secretary to the Treasury, claimed £379.74 for a bed and £470 of other furniture from shop in Walsall. In January 2009 he was barred from claiming £50.92 total for three airbeds since it was deemed they would not all be for personal use.

• Charles Clarke, the former home secretary, claimed £743 for three "Sidewinder" Roman blinds (fabric: Vision, Ivoty – lined in Ercu) for his second home in his Norwich constituency.

• Alistair "Badger eyebrow/hair combo" Darling, the chancellor, claimed £7,550 in mortgage interest and £3,066.48 for his council tax bill on his constituency home in Edinburgh in 2008-09.

• Quentin "sheep worrier" Davies, who waddled across the floor to Labour in 2007, made an initial claim of £20,700 (later reduced to £5,376.91) for building work including repairs to a bell tower at his Lincolnshire constituency home. The work claimed for included the replacement of the bell tower's damaged bricks with "York Handmade bricks" and use of "good quality second hand slates" in roofing on the main house.

• John Denham, the communities secretary, claimed £350 in November 2008 for repairs after flood damage caused by an overflowing cistern. In May 2009 he claimed £517 for a bookcase. In April 2009 he claimed £2,800 for repainting to "external elevations".

• Peter "Pitch ripper" Hain, Welsh secretary and former armed robber MP for Neath, claimed £188 for "felling dangerous trees".

Ann and Alan Keen, married MPs dubbed "Mr and Mrs Expenses", were asked to repay £353.41 of £4,284.30 for service charges on their London flat.

• Shahid Malik, the communities minister, claimed £48.94 for a wall bracket for a "30-60 inch plasma LCD TV".

• David "Banana" Miliband, the foreign secretary, received an overdue council tax reminder threatening legal action from South Tyneside council, which covers his South Shields constituency home, for late payment of £64.44. "To avoid recovery proceedings: the overdue amount of £64.44 must be paid in full within seven days of receipt of this notice. If you fail to pay the overdue amount by the date stated, this will result in the full outstanding balance of £685.44 becoming due. If after a further seven days you have failed to repay this amount the council will commence legal proceedings for the full amount plus costs. These costs will total £62."

Miliband also claimed £132.96 for gardening expenses, including £17.96 for bark chippings and £115 for 11 and a half hours' labour. The invoice from the gardener adds: "Please let me know if you would like pots making up at front and back this year, given the relatively short amount of time you'll be here and their labour intensive nature."
• Former home secretary Jacqui Smith and uber fucking grasping cunny who should be kicked very fucking firmly in the twat for her theft claimed £555.74 for a television, £244.90 for DVD player and £611 on a new double bed and mattress. She also claimed £136 for coal.

• Jack "I don't answer comments on my blog" Straw, the lord chancellor and justice secretary as well as self serving amoral scumbag, conceded he had made an error over five years covering his council tax claims, amounting to an overclaim of £1,415. In a handwritten note Straw wrote to the parliamentary authorities in July 2008: "I am sorry about this. I am afraid the reality of life over the past few years is that I have often had to complete claims in marginal time."

Straw appears not to have realised the council gave him a 50% occupancy discount. He also claimed £2,380 for decorative repairs to his constituency home including bookcases in an alcove.

Go get em folks, then vote the bastards out for stealing your hard earned cash.

Thieving lying duplicitous Rt Hon. cunts, welcome to Troughligate 2.

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