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Heather McCartney Jokes

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs. Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumors abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but let's spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

Lastly it has been announced that as part of the divorce deal Paul will be buying Heather a plane, although she will also be getting some Immac for the other leg...

**Update 2: Heather Mills McCartney has been signed up to star in the American version of Strictly Come Dancing. She'll be the one doing the pogo.

Paul bought her a spare wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn't her main present though, just a stocking filler

I think that the reference to her alcoholism may have something to do with the split. Apparently she has a taste for Special Brew and is said to be able to drink 50 cans in a session. 50 Cans !!! Good grief, that woman must have hollow legs!

Its say she is planning to change her name, whats the chance she will pick the name Eileen(I lean gettit?).

What has three legs and lives on a farm? The McCartneys.

It's a legal minefield for Heather Mills(..... Rest assured there's no 'arm in it - editor adds!)

Paul was upset with his wife Heather Mills because her favorite music was Hip Hop.

Poor Paul McCartney, I bet Heather is limping all the way to the bank.

Paul McCartney's divorce could cost him billions and he won't have a leg to stand….er, I mean she won't have a leg to… Divorce can be so complicated.

You would think with the billions of dollars Heather McCartney was going to get from Paul she would be living it up, but in fact she's not...... The other day reporters saw her eating at IHOP.

Q: What was Paul McCartney and Heather Mills favourite 70's Andy Fairweather-Low song?
A: Wide-eyed and Legless !

**Update from the Viz Site: I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. - Stella Matlock

Ok and now for the olde Linda McCartney jokes:
Q: What do call a dog with Wings ? A: Linda McCartney.
Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?A: Linda McCartney..
What did Paul croon to Linda at the gravesite?The Magical Mystery Maggot Tour (is coming to take you away).What else did Paul sing?Yesterday (now all my problems are 6 feet away-I will remember all that clay) .What can be said about Linda McCartney?She kept abreast of current events.God: 'Linda, what's the matter?'Linda: 'Why has Princess Di got a halo and I haven't? 'God: 'That isn't a halo -- it's a steering wheel.'

New KFC product...portion of half-eaten wings.
When Linda died, Paul announced to the kids - 'Well I'm afraid your mum has passed away but to look on the bright side, we're having steak for tea'.

**And lastly. After her outburst on UK TV, a medical spokesperson said that she was "clearly unbalanced" - Sir Paul phoned in & advised that placing a book under her leg usually did the trick.

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and
being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing
him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an
hour. Crazy, right?


Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3
million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing,
never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no
bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when
you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at
1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.* *

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

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