J D Wetherspoons - Satire is lost on them.

I received an unexpected letter from corporate fizzy larger suppliers to chavs JD Wetherspoon and so I have popped off a reply to the company solicitor just to acknowledge receipt.

Dear Gemma Gurney,

Thanks for your unexpected reply dated 23rd Jan 09.

Now a little while back I did an open letter to JD Wetherspoon head Tim Martin and e-mailed yourself in on this.

In this I mocked the company somewhat, and thought that as I have vented my spleen I would ping a copy across to the same company solicitor (your good self)who sent me the apology.

Before doing this open letter we(myself and the other person out that night) had received an apology in which Wetherspoon admitted fault, apologised that their service was not up to standard, a member of staff was being retrained, person who caused trouble had been barred etc etc and so on.

All jolly good we thought and after some gloating, we received another letter stating that the manageress who's nose/makeup was out of joint did not want us there and we were in fact barred. 

Fair enough her hissy fit, she can as was explained in the banning letter refuse service to anyone. 

We had chosen beforehand to avoid all Wetherspoon pubs until such point as they acted on the initial complaint and find it somewhat amusing that they then chose to bar us despite admitting they were in fact in the wrong. 

Having popped into Wetherspoon (see other correspondence) when apology letters arrived we had figured the matter to be closed.

The total lack of joined up thinking in your company has also given me and many many others quite a bit of mirth and merriment. 

Anyhow back to the open letter, having pinged off this to yourself and posted online I thought no more of it.

Now I have received yet another letter from Wetherspoon dated the 23rd Jan 2009.

Sadly no e-mail of this one - I think they have worked out I have put the e-mails up on previous posts-  an so I have to write this one out due to lack of a scanner. But worry not will get that scanned in when I go over to borrow someone elses; however I have written it out below.

We write with reference to your above complaint and recent correspondence from ourselves. As you are aware, this matter has been investigated and the appropriate action has been taken.

Therefore we now believe this matter to be closed and we not be entering into further correspondence with yourselves with regards to this matter.

Well first off it was not a complaint as such more corporate mockery of Wetherspoons and the nose/makeup out of joint manageress that runs the pub like as if she is some Eastern potentate. 

Seriously now, had I written a complaint I really would have gone to town.

Also did not want or even expect any reply from yourselves to be honest. I just mailed a copy across to keep your large chav supplying selves "in the loop" as the phrase go's. Still thanks anyway, after all best be polite and all that.

Well that is all I really have to add on this except that you may not be entering into correspondence and consider the matter closed, I however do not. 

When someone at JD Wetherspoons decides to be a man and someone discovers that they have in fact a set of testicles big enough to do the decent thing and offer a proper apology, then and only then will we consider the matter to be closed. 

Still won't be drinking in the chain, hell its gone way past that now. Besides we do have some standards, we tolerated them before despite the unclean tables, surly staff and myriad other points of criticism I could mention.

More mockery shall be done, indeed I for one consider it open hunting season on JD Wetherspoons and shall be firing some mockery at this chain at a future date.

Toodle pip an all that.

Regards

**Update bit here not sent to Spoons via mail: 

So what Wetherspoons are saying is: 

Dear valued customer, 

blah blah blah, cuntfuckery blah blah blah, soundbites.

We were wrong, blah blah blah, we don't really give a fuck, blah blah blah 

Oh an fuck off your barred, blah blah blah. 

So don't complain as we will give it some corporate stonewalling an ignore you as our customer service sucks cock. Whilst customer care dept waves said corporate cock in customers faces. 

Now I did think at one point a few months back about calling up and speaking to "customer services" or some other pod employee at JD Wetherspoon but have dealt with so so many of these over the years. 

I decided that I was not actually going to spend my money to resolve a problem they should have resolved months ago and either having an attack dog eat my face or a pair of garden shears up the Japs eye would be preferable alternatives to talking to yet another call centre.

Still I will miss seeing the over caked makeup on the landladys face crack as she reads this. No doubt when she and the deputy manager decided that this ban was going to be put in place against us they must of laughed so much they could barely breath. 

I am sure the staff could hear the air being sucked in through their blow holes as their jowls jiggled with each cackle of laughter. 

She accused me of firing insults before not true then but oh so so true now.

It might be worth my mentioning the past record of companies torn a new, or several arseholes - it makes them more aerodynamic - by myself, these include:

WH Smiths

Fujitsu Semens

Lloyds TSB

HSBC 

Barclays banking & Corporate (could be a pedant but will count it as one)

Barclaycard

NTL/Virgin Media (or whatever they call themselves this week and who's staffs mastery of the English language leaves a lot to be desired)

Dixons (the absolute worst electronics supplier who attempted to sell me shoddy goods and cried like pussys by the time I finished with them.)

Yes Loans

Reed (the worst employment agency in all of Christendom)

Tesco....

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