Richard Branson -

First up a bit of amusement.

Now for a bitch about the bearded one's media company.

I paid a visit to the bearded grinning one's website, and saw this.
Now is the grinning chimp serious? He expects me to part with cash for a book on his Branson grinning chimp advise, but not only that to also splash out on some Branson bearded chimp holiday and joy I get 10% off.

The answer to both questions is a firm no. First off Branson has enough cash as it is, secondly what he needs to do is not be a grasping book selling whore but to actually invest some of his billions into customer service.

You see the best part of a fucking hour on hold listening to sodding wibbly hold music, then having to go through a maze of hoops and options. Not good customer service, in fact an hour or so of that would have had Ivan Pavlovs dogs killing themselves.

I mean it's not as if when I do call its something serious, maybe a basic billing query(I shall come back to that gripe in a bit) or to question why your channel sound is so fucking crap that it adjusts itself up and down at odd times. Maybe why the cable box decides to have a mad ten minutes doing fuck all before deciding to work.

Now the truely fucking annoying part is that these gremlins only happen now an again, but just enough to really wind ones shit up.

Of course the automated voices tell you all is fine.

When and I mean when, I do get through, I get some semi literate chimp in a call centre in Bangalore or somesuch place who's grasp of English although more eliquent than that of Branson is still below that used on chav sink estates.

Now the next thing is their staff read from scripts, yes I understand the need for security questions and such like, then after much tapping and Indian accented "please hold"...."I am just looking into that"....."I am getting your details"...."The system is down"...You end up either a/cut the fuck off or on hold to another Indian.

Right back to billing, how difficult is it for a multi squillion pound company to send out a fucking e-bill. Now consider that if you do not pay by D/D they screw you with a surcharge, an if you do they pester you to sign up for e-billing. Its green and convenient they claim, what they don't tell you is the fucking bills never turn up.

I have hardly seen one in 7 fucking months!

The conversation go's a bit like this:

ME: I have had no e-bill through

DRONE: What e-mail address did you request?

ME: I then give my main three e-mail addresses.

DRONE: I can see we sent it to this one and gives me the e-mail address.

ME: It never arrived.

DRONE: Are you sure? We sent on (gives date)

ME: Yes, I am in my mail reader program and accessing all three now. Nothing on any of them.

DRONE: We sent it.

ME: Send it again.

DRONE: (After much bitching) agrees to send it and if a flock of winged sus scrofa domestica actually take off it might arrive.

ME: I also need (and lists off previous months)

DRONE: I can't access them now(cue another long debate)

ME: Well print them and post them.

DRONE: That will be £5 per bill.

ME: No I am entitled to a bill as per the contract(explains T&C to Branson's staff!)

DRONE: It will be there in so many days.

ME: Okay(knowing that it will not arrive)...

"The customer department is open 9-4 Monday to Friday" - Have a problem outside those hours its fuck you and goodnight Vienna.

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